A man and woman cuddling together in bed.

Top issues that couples have to deal with which lead to lack of sex

A man and woman cuddling together in bed.

It takes effort to have a healthy sexual relationship, even when you are feeling happy. You’re not the only one feeling unsatisfied in your bedroom. Some couples will experiment with new things like tantric sex or trying out different sex positions. But that is not the norm for most people.

Many people blame the long-lasting effects of the pandemic for their declining libidos. However, the NATSAL survey revealed that this is not necessarily true. While some people reported having less sexual contact prior to the lockdown, regardless of whether they lived together, half of those surveyed stated that they had not noticed any changes in their sexual habits.

Emma Davey, a My Trauma Therapy relationship counselor, says that “many of us play many different roles throughout our day.” “This can make it exhausting at the end of the day, this can lead to a lack of energy or motivation to be intimate.”

This adds pressure to the situation which only makes it worse. Many of us are constantly trying to manage everything. This is a problem because the mind doesn’t have time to relax and many people lose their sense of self. She says that this is a major factor in our losing our libido.

People don’t have enough privacy

Most people find it difficult to maintain privacy in their homes, whether it’s a bedroom without a lock and wandering children coming in unannounced or a bedroom door that doesn’t have a lock. Emma says that many of us struggle to find 5 minutes for ourselves right now, due to family and job obligations. Emma also juggles working from home with children.

The solution is space, both mentally and physically. Space is essential for healthy sex lives. Emma believes it is important to have the privacy you desire for sex. You need to be able to plan ahead to get your children to bed on time. Or, you can end work early to give yourself some time to yourself.

Emma recommends: “Plan your day together and work together to ensure that you have a few hours as a couple, and to allow yourself time to relax and enjoy yourself.”

Your long-term relationship has lost the priority of sex

It can be hard to get the spark back, no matter how long it has been. It’s possible, according to Juliette Karaman (sex and intimacy coach at Feel Fully You).

When the “honeymoon period” ends, “habits” that might not be as endearing to one partner start to creep in. It seems like our lives are consumed by having children and running a household. There is little time for other things. We may feel less confident now that we were in the beginning of our relationship.

Solution: Juliette suggests “Be curious.” “There are many factors that can play an important role. The thing is to be curious rather than blaming!”

She suggests that you have a date night at least once per week as a way to reconnect. Make sure your phone is off and you aren’t disturbed for two hours. Take a bath and change into something you feel comfortable in. This “signals to your brain that there is something else happening, a pattern interruption”.

Clear your space and light a candle. Turn on the music to make it feel good. Share with your partner the things you love and appreciate most about them.

Then, switch direction. For at least 30 seconds, hug your partner. This builds a strong connection. It releases endorphins, which make us feel good. It is common to rush and hug or kiss the lips in a hurry. Use a count or timer. Kissing your partner for seven seconds or longer releases endorphins, and again you can release them.

You have a negative body image

John Kenny, a relationship coach, believes that body image can impact confidence. “If you don’t feel comfortable with your body, it will be difficult to accept the beauty of others.”

This can make it difficult to enjoy sex without being watched, to not be exposed to the light and to have a good time. He says that if you are unable to relax while having sex, it will not be as enjoyable as it could be. With so many people experiencing anxiety and stress in their lives, it is not something anyone wants to bring into the bedroom.

“If sex is not a pleasure, it will be difficult to desire it. If the idea of someone naked seeing you upsets you, then you will do everything you can to avoid it.” Your brain will react in the same way, decreasing your desire to sex.

Solution: Although it may sound difficult, working on yourself is the best thing. You can feel confident by improving your self-esteem. Working with a coach can help you to identify and challenge negative beliefs about yourself. You can also do this by doing your own work and recognizing what you are good at, and becoming more assertive.

John suggests that you “connect by taking time to focus on your relationship.” Show your love and care by creating new ways to spice things up.

You believe you are sexually incompatible with your partner

While it may seem easy to have perfectly synchronized sex with your partner, in reality there are many factors that can complicate the situation. You shouldn’t conclude that you are sexually incompatible.

It is important to determine if the problem is mismatched sexual drives or if one person is not getting the sex they want. If one person isn’t getting the sex they desire, it won’t be possible to fix the problem by increasing the frequency of sex.

Solution: Nadia states that to determine your sexual compatibility, you need to first understand how your personal beliefs, needs, and desires about sexual activities are aligned with your partner’s.

Start by having an honest and open conversation with your partner to open the door for discussion. Nadia says, “It is important to acknowledge that there are issues around the sex that you share.” She warns, “Having sexual advances rejected frequently or feeling like there is an expectation of sex can lead to resentment and rejection on both sides.”

Communication is important during and after sex, but it can be easier to “guide and suggest” during the act. Nadia suggests that you try to be neutral when speaking with your partner. This could mean that you can do it while on a walk, or texting.

You’re too tired

Tiredness isn’t on the list of most famous aphrodisiacs. People feel tired all the time, and this is one reason why they are hesitant to have sex. John Kenny says that time can also be a factor in the pressures of family and work. Tiredness and fatigue can start to set in, so your focus on your sex life will change.

Solution: The first step is to get rid of the tiredness. You can’t rely on four hours of sleep every night to bring your sex life back to normal. You should also address any health conditions that may be causing you to feel tired even if you get enough sleep. Create a space between your daily life and your sexual life to help you cope with the effects of the pandemic.

In these current circumstances, it can be difficult to keep things exciting in the bedroom but it is possible, it just requires thinking outside the box. Emma Davey states, “These are strange times for many things, including socialising and working via the internet. We have been living in our PJs and gym clothes for so long that we can’t recall the last time that we felt sexy.”

Imagine that you are off to spend the night at a beautiful hotel with your partner. “Mix it up, do something new, don’t fall into the same old routine,”

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