Fashion can be a fickle mistress. Fashion can be a savage. What was she thinking when she created three-quarter-length trousers, straw-hats, and Uggs for Men? What were we thinking when we bought that? Designers love nothing more than to perform Lazarus-like feats and give a second shot at styles that we thought had been banished to menswear purgatory to the end. Last summer’s bumbag revival (or was that the return of corduroy?) was a success. While it may have been a regretful decision to keep such items out of fashion for so many years, you can still dispose of them knowing they won’t be in style again.
- UGGS FOR MEN
‘Winners don’t wear Uggs’. A better rule to follow. We don’t mean to be negative, the Californian brand has made some very stylish hiking boots in recent years and even a few sneakers. These were a complete abomination. Ben Affleck, guilty. Ronnie Wood, guilty. Even Jaden Smith, Justin Timberlake, and Pharrell Williams are guilty. We’ll burn all evidence and you can burn the boots.
- OVERSIZED BELT BUCKLES
Freud probably had some thoughts on this. A brash, brassy and oversized belt buckle will let everyone know that you are packing. In reality, the belt buckle does exactly the opposite. It exposes your deepest fears and your most blatant sense of style.
You can leave the giant eagles, and bullhorns to the wrestling world. Instead, downsize your XXL buckle to something more practical (solid leather for smart, or woven for casual). Your trousers will look better and people won’t mistake you for a line dance instructor. It’s a win-win situation.
- CHEESY SLOGAN T -SHIRTS
No matter if you are with stupid people, your T-shirt should only show that you have the building blocks of a great wardrobe. T-shirts with bold streetwear branding or political messages are a trend, but they should not be the only option. You don’t need to keep your rotation of basics simple, though it is a good idea. Remember that puns and sexual invitations can be as offensive on clothing as they are on the streets. There is no female body inspector. We checked.
- DEEP V-NECK T -SHIRTS
You don’t have to be a porn star, a former Jersey Shore cast member, or Cristiano Ronaldo of 2007. If that’s the case, you should have the self-respect not to truss yourself up in breast-baring slithers cotton. Deep V-neck T shirts aren’t meant to flaunt your gains, but rather feminize them, no matter how Lothario they may make you appear.
For Riviera chic, keep the crew necks classic and use the Vs (of less naval-plunging proportions) to make premium knitwear.
- SQUARE-TOED SHOES
These clunky, ugly, and obnoxious footwear designs are like Halloween’s Michael Myers. Although we don’t know (and frankly, don’t care) the exact reason they were created, we appeal for your humanity to throw them out and save fellow commuters’ eyes. You should get rid of them and stick with time-tested styles such as the Derbies and round-toed Oxfords.
- THE CHIN STRAP
Although Craig David is responsible for some of 2000’s biggest hits, ‘7 Days’ and ‘Fill Me In’ will always be a part of our storied past. David’s pencil-thin, chin strap has one problem: a beard should not be shaved at the jawline. Even if you had a bone structure to ‘make chedda’r, you would still have a double-chin when you look down at your phone. Instead, taper under your neck and tidy up the top instead of creating harsh lines.
- SAGGING JEANS
No matter how big you are, nobody wants to see your jeans bulge. Sagging jeans, which were allegedly inspired by the US prison ban, were adopted by LA gangs during the 1990s as an anti-authoritarian statement. If you are neither of them, letting your jeans fall below your buttocks will make you look savage and culturally appropriated.
Jeans should be worn on your hips so that your legs can hang straight against yours. Tailored clothing should be nearer your waist to avoid excess shirt between your jacket and your trousers. You can congratulate yourself for sticking to your cardio routine and get some legwear that fits.
- GAP YEAR JEWELLERY
You don’t have to be Maori or part of a nineties boyband to wear jewellery made of puka shells, beads or pebbles from dubious heritage. Or fraying strands woven by this incredible Indian spirit healer who truly taught you how you can discover your true self. Now you have a job. It is time to put aside those pre-university days.
This doesn’t mean that men’s jewelry can’t look stylish. You can wear a variety of cuffs, bracelets, necklaces, and rings. You should choose lightweight, minimal styles that complement your outfit, rather than overpower it.
- DROP CROTCH TROUSERS
Wearing drop-crotch pants is a ‘great option’. You’ll never be invited to another social event again if you create the illusion that your lower half is an adult-sized nappy.
We don’t advocate easygoing, drapey styles. (Unless they reach flare proportions. These wardrobe disasters aren’t as comforting as a pair of relaxed-leg pants.)
Crocs may be the most famous example of fake advertising in 21st century. You would expect something badass from a name like this, but you get foam clogs. Foam. Clogs. It doesn’t sound like any of it will look good.
No one really cares about how your feet feel in them. These sandals, unlike the much-maligned Birkenstock sandals, will never be able to regain their fashionable status. They never owned it. You can also try driving shoes or espadrilles for something lighter, more comfortable, and still summer-appropriate.
- THE ‘GOING OUT” SHIRT
This fashion phenomenon is due to two common myths. The first misconception is that you can’t dress up with a ‘proper collar’ – we are guilty of hoity-toity golf clubs. You’ll have a better chance of pulling if your outfit stands out. This trick was probably devised by misogynistic pick up artists. The go-out shirt is oversized and obnoxiously designed. It’s also unbuttoned and worn untucked to the lowest part of the chest. It’s more of a wingman than a sartorial wing-clipping.
The main problem is not the ugly. Don’t dress for the destination, but where you are going. There are already too many dress codes. Do not invent another dress code for the pub.
- STRAW HATS
We are going to be blunt and say that there is no bad haircut to justify wearing a straw fedora over your head. Even if your barber came out at 4am to cut your mop, he would still be blind drunk and have only the knife and fork that he used to eat his kebab. Still no. Bruno Mars is not the one you see on the beach. If you are, get a better cap. A baseball cap. Or a bin bag.
- THREE-QUARTER LENGTH TROUSERS
It might seem that, with the literal rise in the mankle, cutting your trousers at the mid-calf would make it easier to cuff your jeans. Instead of implying that you are a busy man who can’t find the time to pinroll, they paint you as someone who is unable to make a decision and left his wife with their child. Only one step away are cargo pants that zip off your legs. There is a right and wrong way to wear cropped pants. They should not be mistaken for long-shorts. The trainers can be worn with a slightly looser cut than the calf-hugging style. It ends just above your ankle.