WHAT MEN DO WRONG ABOUT CONFIDENCE
I learned the truth about confidence only after I began working in fashion and was surrounded by models. After I had conversations about these stunning women, the world didn’t end.Although it was nerve-wracking at first I managed to survive. Finally, it clicked…
Confidence doesn’t mean “not giving a damn” about what happens, but rather being able to predict the outcome based on past experience. It’s about doing it again.
I did not die or throw up the last time that I spoke with a model. Therefore, I will not die when I speak to someone who looks like a model again. Also, they have confidence in the future.
It doesn’t matter if you have confidence to take action. You can build your confidence by doing small things.
Your brain is telling you that you don’t have enough experience or knowledge to predict what you might get if you do this. Stop! Because you aren’t sure if it’s something you’d like, you don’t feel confident about trying something new, such as a lamb burger with Feta cheese.
HOW TO BUILD NATURAL CONFIDENCE IN EVERYTHING
We need to make outcomes more predictable. This is possible with what I call “The Flywheel of Confidence”. Take a small step towards achieving confidence in something.
You get a little bit of experience with the outcome and gain some confidence. You can use that little bit of confidence to take even more action. As soon as the flywheel begins spinning, your confidence will increase to the point that it feels effortless. This is called a feedback loop.
Consider the first time you learned how to drive a car. How nervous were you that first week? You are fidgeting and adjusting your mirrors and seat. It was pretty certain that you would crash as soon as you got on the freeway. You don’t think about the things you once worried about after many years behind the wheel. While you cruise down the freeway, you listen to Spotify and check Instagram stories. Your Flywheel of Confidence spins like crazy Amazing, right?
Here’s how to apply the flywheel right away:
#1: CONFIDENTIALITY IS NOT ALWAYS TRANSFERABLE
My past clients who were looking for styling advice came to me frustrated because they couldn’t figure it out on their own. They are smart, savvy and successful men.
Senior men in their office. Athletes who are accomplished. There are even a few men who have co-founded multi-million-dollar companies. (Even one cofounder of a multibillion-dollar company!
You don’t have to feel frustrated if you are competent and confident in one area of life, but not the other. This is perfectly normal. Confidence in one area does not necessarily translate into confidence in another.
I feel confident in my ability to draw with pencils and style knowledge. However, I am not confident in my sewing skills or my ability with watercolors. There are, however, some small exceptions.
Although I might be biased, I believe that improving your appearance (losing weight or improving your style) is a great way to improve your overall look. It will definitely increase your confidence in public speaking and dating.
This is a simple one, but knowing that you are confident in your appearance will make it easier to feel at ease and boost your confidence.
Step one: Don’t beat up on yourself. Instead, think back to the first time you started doing something you are good at. My first attempt at drawing was okay, but I was too embarrassed to show others.
Drawing books, practicing, and taking classes helped me improve my skills and make me feel more confident. For fun, I do Livestream drawing sessions.
Rephrase “Why can’t you figure it out?”
“I am confident that I can do anything, improve my skills and increase my self-confidence. It’s okay if I fail or feel unsure about the future. I’ve done it before. It’s just a matter of taking a small step.”
#2: WORK BACKWARDS FROM THE END GOAL IN ORDER TO FIND WHERE TO START
Start small to build confidence in something new. The best way to start small, is to first set your goal and then work backwards, one step at a time.
Let’s return to the example of learning how to drive a vehicle. Let’s assume that the ultimate goal is to drive across the United States. No matter how lofty the goal, as long as it can be broken down phase by phase, it doesn’t really matter. We will return to the point we are comfortable with.
What does this look like when you are trying to improve your style? Let’s assume that all you wear is t-shirts, and no jeans. You want to be able to confidently don a suit and tie for only the second time in your entire life.
Action step: Write down the end goal and then go backwards step by step. It is easier to break it down, and each step will be easier.
Okay, now you have it broken down. What’s next?
#3: THINK OF IT AS A VIDEO GAME, LEVEL UP
All of us have played games where we feel like professionals after the first few levels, and then we hit that level that makes us feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. We are stuck trying to figure everything out, constantly dying.
You will eventually succeed after a few more failed attempts. Next time you start the game, you’ll be able to navigate through the later stages just as you did in the first few. This is where you’ll find me.
Each step can be viewed as a level in a videogame. You can expect the challenge to increase as you get closer to the goal. Driving around town is harder than driving around your neighborhood. Driving across the state can be more difficult than driving around town.
You’ll be less frustrated if you expect things to get harder than they are. You don’t need to blame yourself.
It is paradoxical that the more you act at every level, the more confidence and experience you gain, the easier it will be to move on to the next. Action Step: Take a look at your goal breakdown. Which level are you comfortable with starting? Start at the top and then take action. You should not be able to find a level that you are comfortable with. There might be some roadblocks, both internal and external.
#4: BE CAREFUL WHO YOU LISTEN TO
You might experience the same thing as dying a million times on Super Mario World’s Haunted House level (ARGGGGGGGGGG), but you may not like what you see. What should you do?
You should reflect on why you got a negative result, such as hitting a parked vehicle riding around your block. You need to reflect on what went wrong and make changes for the next time.
Sometimes, you may encounter roadblocks like criticism or unwelcome feedback. These may come from friends, family, or strangers. Ramit Sethi was one of my mentors in business. He has a wonderful saying: “The world wants vanilla.” The world wants you to remain the same. Some clients I have worked with have been afraid to wear a certain look, because their friends don’t dress up like me. To get in shape for my big day, I hired a personal trainer. My friends and family told me that I was losing too much weight.
Here are the things I tell my clients. Action Step: If someone criticizes you, even if it’s only a concern, you should take a step back to examine who is giving the feedback. Is this someone you would like to be? You can also look at their style if they are making fun of you new style. Is it someone you would consider stylish? Do they look good? Fitness: Is it the person who tells you that you look great? In a shape you like? The short answer is almost always “no”.
People’s reactions and words often reveal more about you than their actions. As long as it comes from the right people, feedback is important. Do you want to be more secure from roadblocks and achieve your goals faster?
#5: GET EXPERT HELP (PREFERABLY FROM PEOPLE THAT ARE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE)
As I grew older, I realized the immense value of spending more time to save money. It all began a few years back when I visited Cedar Point Amusement Park. I paid $100 for a Fast Pass, which is approximately 2x the price of regular tickets.
Fast Pass allowed us to skip the queue and save ourselves from having to wait for hours in the sun on the popular coasters. We were so impressed with the Fast Pass that we rode our favorite rides multiple times.
It was an amazing experience.
Most people try to get as much discount as possible, but I was looking for ways to save time, stress, frustration, and money. As I did the Coachella two times, I paid for the VIP Pass. This included a fenced-off area free of college students, their own food stalls, and luxurious bathrooms that had no lines.
BUILDING CONFIDENCE IS LIKE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, HIRING AN EXPERT IS LIKE THE CHEAT CODE
After working together, this is exactly what my clients told me. It was easy to forget that they were spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on clothes they didn’t wear. They felt confident that whatever they wore from their new wardrobe would look great and work. It’s magic.
Step 1: Think about what you want to achieve. Is there anyone who can help you achieve your goal?
Fitness trainers, for example, can help you lose weight. Swim instructors. Even if they aren’t available to you, there will be many resources that can help you get by. You can think about their books, blogs, podcasts, and courses. Even a half-hour consultation with one of their consultants can save you months of work compared to doing it yourself.